Are You Dateable?

A list of ways to get to know yourself a little bit better, making you “a lotta bit” more dateable

The mistake many people make in their dating lives is not having a good idea of who they, themselves, are.  It may seem counterintuitive, but when you are actively trying to find a partner is one of the best times to focus on yourself and what makes you “tick”.  Women, more than men, are prone to “I Like Whatever You Like”-Syndrome (maybe due to lingering cultural expectations that women are supposed to be the flexible, amorphous ones lacking their own interests), ultimately resulting in an unsatisfactory and unfulfilling relationship at best; and surprises, wasted time and anger at the other person having “changed”, at worst.

One of my favorite sayings goes something like this–how is someone else supposed to know and love you, if you don’t know and love you?  Investing in knowing yourself allows you to know exactly what you bring to the table, and makes it easier for you and your Right One to recognize each other and be attracted to qualities that aren’t going to change with your company or with the years.

As Shel Silverstein writes in his poem, “Masks”:

She had blue skin
And so did he
He kept it hid
And so did she
They searched for blue
Their whole life through
Then passed right by–
And never knew

Here are some ways to get to know and love you, so that somebody else can, too!

1.  Take Yourself Out

This one is tossed around by various and myriad “self-help” gurus, books, and women’s groups.  People usually think about it in terms of dinner, which can be intimidating and awkward if you have not dined in public alone before.  So it can be any significant outing, as long as it is fun and something you enjoy–a movie (once the lights go down, nobody is focused on who is sitting alone), a ball game, or maybe a day trip somewhere new.

2.  What Do YOU Want To Do Today?

Have some free time?  Stop for a minute and blatantly ask yourself what would make you happy right then and there–and then go do it!  This is one of the most simple and effective ways to tune out the noise of life and stop wasting time by being sucked into Facebook or television.  It also opens you up to that many more random, magical twists and turns, and meeting that many more people than you would have, thoughtlessly and unconsciously killing time.  In the process, you will discover that you don’t need someone along to be happy–you can be happy and indulgent by being purposeful with your choices.

3.  Ask Your Friends

This is kind of an elaboration of the popular Facebook activity asking people to comment to the post with a word that describes the poster.  But you can learn about yourself, or at least about the public imagine and impression of yourself, by asking your friends how they would describe you.  This will help to illuminate the “You” that you are presenting to the world, and therefore dates.  Maybe, and most likely, this matches with what you believe is your genuine self.  But if you are unwittingly perceived as having a different character than what you know is true about you–this may be manifesting as a string of unsuccessful, confusing relationships.

4.  Try New Things 

This is kind of the opposite of #2.  Instead of treating yourself to something you know you’ll like doing, do something totally new!  Never ridden a horse before?  Find a company that offers easy trail rides.  I wouldn’t advocate doing anything that frightens the pants off of you, because–while that may attract dates–your fear may distract from being able to enjoy a new experience.  At the end of the day, you will have isolated another life experience that helps define you and your interests, and you may have another skill and conversation point to bring to the table.

Having a confident sense of self is attractive.  By cultivating your sense of self, you will be a happier, more fulfilled person and you will have that much more to offer to a relationship; and in the meantime, you’ll have a lot of fun getting to know the YOU that you are all about.


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