The Art Of Flirting

What you just observed is what scientists call a promise-withdraw routine on the part of Kira and an arousal response on the part of Harvey. When it comes right down to it, creating excitement is all about tension and release, whether you’re talking about scary movies, roller coasters, or human sexuality. The promise-withdraw routine that Kira used on Harvey is the very heart of flirting. It’s used by both men and women to create arousal, and its dynamic is exactly what it says it is: giving attention, then taking it away, then giving it again—tension, release, tension; eye contact, look away, eye contact. One look doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but Kira sauntered in a provocative way, gave Harvey a second look, and smiled with her head slightly lowered to suggest coyness. All this adds up to an unmistakable signal of interest. Men and women all over the world use this basic routine, based on a woman’s saunter or a man’s swagger, accompanied by eye contact and a smile, to signal and arouse interest in another person.

So Kira has tacitly offered an invitation and moments later Harvey responds. He comes up the stairs to the balcony where he can plainly see Kira looking down at the dance floor below. He looks her in the eye, smiles, and introduces himself. "Another drink?" Harvey asks.

"Thanks, but . . ." Kira smiles and replies, "I’m here with a friend and we’re celebrating her promotion, so I really should get back to her."

"Well," Harvey replies, "You could invite me to celebrate with you. In fact, I’d be happy to buy some champagne. It’s always nice to have a real excuse to buy bubbly." He grins.

Although Kira knows that Charlene wouldn’t mind if Harvey joined them, she says, "That’s very generous of you, but we promised ourselves a girls’ night out. You know, catch up on personal stuff." She inclines her head, looking up at him briefly, then glances away. Harvey asks, "How about tomorrow then—same time, same place, or same time, different place, or . . . ?"

Kira laughs. "Sorry, I’m not free tomorrow. But if you give me your number, I’ll call you after I look at my schedule. I’m sure we can do something at some point."

The truth is, Kira knows that Charlene wouldn’t care if she spent a bit more time with Harvey. Similarly, she’s not that busy the following night—all she has planned is laundry. What Kira is doing is using the universally recognized principle of scarcity as part of her flirting strategy.

The Principle of Scarcity:

How to Make Yourself More Intriguing
As a general rule, human beings want more of what they can’t have, so a simple way to increase your desirability when flirting is to use the principle of scarcity. The idea is to give the impression that you are popular and in demand. Yes, people (and even companies) use this ploy all the time, but our reaction to it is so instinctual that we never stop falling for it. For instance, everyone knows that it’s notoriously difficult to get reservations at the best restaurants, but that’s not necessarily because all the tables are really booked up. Similarly, fashion designers are very particular about where their lines are marketed, and their high price tags serve to exclude most buyers. When radio, television, and print advertisers bombard us with statements like "While supplies last," "Limit two per customer," "Limited edition," and "Offer good only till Sunday," they are working the principle of scarcity. Working the Principle of Scarcity

How will taking advantage of this principle help make someone fall in love with you? By upping your "value" in the early stages of a relationship, making you seem rare, precious, and worth pursuing.

Copyright © 2005 Nicholas Boothman
As a former international fashion and advertising photographer, Nick Boothman spent more than 20 years studying how people connect, establish trust, and communicate. He worked in a field where people decided how they felt about each other in a matter of seconds.
Today, the New York Times calls him "one of the leading experts in face-to-face communication in the world," the Economist Magazine calls him "truly inspirational," and Good Morning America says, "his book is my bible."
He is now an entertaining author and speaker, and has presented his revolutionary techniques of Communica and Rapport by Design to corporations, governments, and universities around the world, including both the Harvard and London Business Schools, and has shared the podium with top names like Jack Welch, Cheryl Richardson, and Dr. Phil.
His books, How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less, How to Connect in Business in 90 Seconds or Less, and How to Make Someone Love You Forever in 90 Minutes or Less have been translated into more than 20 languages in less than four years.
He lives outside of Toronto, Canada, with his wife, Wendy, his matched opposite for more than 30 years. They have five children. His website is www.nicholasboothman.com