Some important facts about me: 1) The texture of the cotton that comes in aspirin bottles makes my skin crawl. The mere sound of it being pulled out of the bottle is enough to send me running away with my fingers in my ears screaming "LA LA LA I can't hear you". I'm perfectly fine with regular cotton balls and other cotton-based products, but that particular cotton is the devil's work. 2) I count the days every year between October and May until it finally gets warm enough to start going to the lake. Day trips to Pyramid and camping trips to Lake San Antonio are my idea of heaven on earth. 3) Religous people freak me out. 4) I am the master of all board games. I will kick your ass in any board game on earth. Guaranteed. You must be willing to not only play my silly games, but deal with the humiliation I will inflict on you with my victories. 5) I refuse to go to the beach in California. I've been completely spoiled by my travel to the Caribbean & the South Pacific, and the beaches here don't even count as beaches as far as I'm concerned. (Lakes & Rivers are exempt from this - see item #2) 6) I may be a 12-year old boy trapped in a woman's body. It's still up for debate, but the evidence supporting this is mounting. I love video games, action figures, and paintball. I think porn is pretty cool and I'd rather eat a chili-dog than foie gras.

Spanky is my 14 year old Pitbull/Rottweiler mix. You can usually catch a glimpse of the wild spankapotamus in his natural feeding grounds which include his dog dish, Eli's dog dish, and (if I forget to lock the child-lock I had to put on the fridge because he taught himself to open it) then nose-deep in whatever leftovers are still lingering in the fridge. The spankapotamus is also a notorious panty eater. He prefers women's thongs, but men's briefs, the crotch of jeans, or bathing suits will do in a pinch. The steady diet of panties & refridgerator leftovers has left Spanky quite rotund, but I figure he's old - he deserves to be fat & happy. Eli (aka Eli-Schmeeli) is my 15-week old Neapolitan Mastiff puppy who has completely stolen my heart (he's also stolen several of my shoes, but I digress). Is it wrong that I sometimes want to eat him because he's so damned cute?

Spanky says: "In all honesty, I'm a little annoyed with her right now. She brought home that pest Eli & lett him invade MY castle. Plus Eli has a tendency to want to hump my head while I'm sleeping (which is quite often). Sure, she shoos him away , but really now - how much of this do I have to take? But other than Eli, she's a pretty cool chick. She sleeps in bed with me & doesn't even hog the blankets, she lies on the couch with me while we watch TV, and I've got her wrapped around my finger so much that she'll usually cave in & feed me half of whatever she's eating. Plus she'll scratch my butt & cuddle up with me & kiss me for hours." Eli says: Don't be silly, Eli can't talk yet. He's just a baby.

I am a woman seeking a man age 28 to 42

I'm into smart guys. Smart guys have the best sense of humor. And as trite and cliche as it may be, the way to my heart is through humor. I tend to be dry & sarcastic, so both of those are viewed by me as being admirable qualities in a person.

First & foremost, size matters. My dogs are big. Really big. Spanky's pushing 100 pounds and Eli's 50 pounds at 15 weeks. Spanky's really just interested in a sleeping and eating partner, but Eli wants someone to wrestle & run around town with & raise hell. It will help if your name happens to be Mr. SqueakyHead.