Romance, A Feeling Or Something We Do?

If you look up the word ‘romance’ in the dictionary it is listed as both a noun and a verb! So what exactly is romance?

I can remember back to a time when I used to really struggle in romantic relationships, I was with a particular ex and we were trying to ‘save’ our dying relationship, so we decided that we would have a ‘date night’ each week. There is nothing wrong with that idea, in fact having a weekly ‘date night’ is something that I actively encourage my clients to do, however what I remember about this particular relationship is that it didn’t matter how many dates we went on, the romance never came back! Our feelings had changed. And so it made absolutely no difference what so ever how often we sat across the table from each other in a romantic setting, there was still no romance for us in this particular situation.

So, this illustrates that you cannot force romance.

It shows that you can do things together, which many people would refer to as ‘romantic’, however if the feelings behind the actions are not there then it really doesn’t feel very romantic at all, in fact it can feel like pulling teeth. Have you ever sat with someone you were dating over a meal out and it just didn’t feel right? Conversation was stunted and awkward, or perhaps there was tension and bad feeling in the air. When this is the case it doesn’t matter how romantic the setting or the activity you are doing, it just doesn’t equal up to ‘romance’. On the flipside I can also think of times when I have done things with someone that just weren’t romantic at all, like walking through mud in our wellies in the rain, and yet it still felt romantic, because of the feelings and connection I share with that person.

How about those couples who you see out together that have clearly had an argument – how romantic will their evening be? Perhaps it could be saved, if one of them did something romantic that broke the ice and triggered the loving feelings again. In fact don’t they say that make-up sex can be hot? (For my women clients I recommend going for relationships where to love and passion is consistent, rather than hot and cold).

As a woman I can vouch for the fact that when a man goes a long way to do something romantic for his woman it is greatly appreciated, even if perhaps the said woman was only dating the said man, and she wasn’t sure about him yet, broadly speaking we women appreciate romantic gestures. However even in this scenario an over the top, unwanted romantic gesture can be uncomfortable too, so where is the line?

What does romance mean to you? Is it appropriate in all situations and if not why not? Can it be used to heal and repair a relationship or to ignite love and passion? These are interesting questions to ask.

It’s definitely an argument of two sides. Personally I suggest that romance is a feeling, which can be brought on by an action or a series of actions. For example, if my husband plans a nice date for us, and goes to the effort to take me out, or he shows up at home with a big bunch of flowers for me, this will trigger a romantic response inside of me. I will feel a certain way and I will share that with him. I will appreciate what he has done and it will make me feel good and smile. This, in turn, will make him feel good.

However what is really interesting to me is that we women have a capacity for creating romantic feelings for ourselves all by ourselves! What I mean by this is that when a woman learns to just ‘be’ in her soft, feminine energy, she can feel romantic, even if there is no man present. This feeling can be achieved using a hot bath, candles, with an aromatherapy massage, dressing in beautiful clothes and in many other ways. So does this make men superfluous? No, quite to the contrary, I suggest that when a woman can soften and experience feeling romantic, this opens the space for her to appreciate her man when he does something that adds to this feeling.

If you know my approach to dating you will know that I believe in masculine and feminine energy roles within a relationship, so for a feminine woman I would not suggest ‘doing’ romantic things for her man, however getting into a romantic space of ‘feeling’ and ‘being’, and then sharing that with her man can be beautiful. It also appeals to his need to be masculine and please his woman by doing things for her that make her happy. If you are a woman and you would like more romance in your relationship I recommend trying this. And if you are a man and you want to ‘win’ a woman you are dating, or bring the passion back to the relationship you are currently in, I suggest ‘doing’ something romantic for her, with the true spirit of romance behind the actions!

Have fun.


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