Are there any rules when dating? Of course there are. Lots of them, actually, but…
The 5 Big Dating Mistakes That Women Make
Last updated: Feb. 20 2019 | 5 min read
Are you having a bad time with dating?
Do you seem to go on scores of dates and talk to lots of men online but you never seem to make a connection or meet your man?
If so it is likely you are making one or more of the ‘5 Big Dating Mistakes’. Here are the 5 Big Dating Mistakes that women make, and what to do instead.
1. Approach Dating With An Agenda
So many of my women clients approach dating with an agenda and it really works against them and their success with dating. They are looking for their man, and if they don’t see him straight away in any of the men who contact them the man gets dismissed immediately and written off without the chance of another date to explore the connection (or lack thereof) further. And if they do get to the date stage, the woman carries that agenda to their date as well with less than satisfying results.
It may seem counterintuitive to say don’t have an agenda when dating, after all surely the whole reason we date is to meet ‘your man’ right? Well yes and no. Ultimately and long term this is the desire, however you drastically reduce your chances of getting to that stage if you approach dating with an agenda. At this stage in the game it is far better to view dating for what it is – a chance to meet and be around members of the opposite sex for coffee, walks, chatting and so on. Come on people – IT’S JUST A DATE – not a wedding interview, so let’s relax a little bit and treat it as such. It is such an unrealistic viewpoint to expect that you can know whether someone is your life partner from one meeting in an artificial setting.
If you know my approach to dating for women you will know I recommend dating as therapy for undoing bad relationship patterns. However more than this dating is meant to be fun and light hearted. If you go with an agenda about finding out if this is your man it puts a ton of pressure on the whole situation, and that means that neither you nor your date will be able to relax and enjoy the experience. You won’t be able to be your best self and neither will he. So drop the agenda and make a new one – to have new, fun and light-hearted experiences with new people.
2. Rule Men Out Too Quickly
As with the first biggest mistake, mistake 2 is another way that women shoot themselves in the foot when dating. Many western women in today’s society are ruled by the ‘chemistry’ they feel when it comes to making their choices with men, and I see this get them into all sorts of trouble time and time again. Chemistry tends to be a poor indicator of whether a man would be a good partner to you. In fact intense chemistry is often a warning signal for women who have not made great relationship choices in the past. Often the good men can get totally overlooked because they are nervous and awkward on that first date and they don’t pack a punch in the chemistry department. For women attraction can grow over time with a good man. So give that awkward or quiet man another chance, in fact give him several short dates and see if he doesn’t come out of his shell for you and turn into an attractive man, perhaps even ‘your man’. Don’t worry about whether you can imagine that right now (see mistake 1).
3. Approach The Date With A Checklist
Mistake 3 is similar to mistake 1 and just as damaging, if not worse. I know that many women have the trusty ‘checklist’ of qualities that they want (or think they want) in a man. There is nothing wrong with getting clear on what you want in your ideal partner ladies, however let’s get into reality with our lists because some of them are absolute nonsense and are not serving you at all!
The list is often very long and usually it has things on there that actually clash with themselves! For example she might have ‘calm and laid back’ right next to ‘passionate and energetic’. Now I am not saying that you can’t have all those qualities in one person, it’s just that normally a man tends towards one of the other. So which is it? Also our lists sometimes have things on that are so trivial, such as ‘tattoos’ or ‘muscles’. Come on ladies! There is nothing wrong in having physical preferences but are you really going to choose your life partner on whether he has ink on his body? Do you think that this will bring you the best relationship for your life? What about the qualities that really matter, such as honesty, loyalty, kindness, strength (of mind) and so on?
Each woman has to decide what is important to her. However time and time again I have seen the list get thrown out when a woman finally meets her life partner, and he is usually completely different to the man she had on her list! And she is happy. So my advice – throw out the list! Or, if you must have it, cut it down to a maximum of just the 5 most important qualities. Use it as a general guide NOT a checklist.
4. Try Too Hard
So you finally met someone you like, you are out on a date with him and you feel nervous. So what do you do? You talk. If there is a gap in the conversation you fill it. You suggest where to go next, you dazzle him with tales of adventures you have had, showing him your sparkling wit and you have him in stitches over your humour. And of course you offer to pay for your half of the date, or perhaps you even get the whole bill – you are a modern woman after all. And it’s going GREAT! He is laughing along with you, and there is a connection, you can feel it. But, then he never calls. He goes cold and disappears after a couple of dates. So what went wrong?
Well most men prefer to take on the masculine role in dating, and if you are doing all or any of the above you are actually pushing him out of this role, meaning you are preventing him from becoming emotionally invested in you. Men’s attraction and commitment emotions get tripped when they have to put in some effort. You may think you are being charming and appealing however it won’t get you far in the long term with most men. He may enjoy the time with you, he may laugh along with you and there may even be a second date, however he is likely to end up committing to someone else – another ‘harder’ woman with whom he has had to put in more effort.
He needs to be the one leading the conversation, entertaining you and suggested the venue. If you want to trigger his deeper feelings let him lead and be strong enough to follow. Relax and practice being present and enjoying the experience instead.
5. Be An Ice Maiden
Being an ice maiden is the flip side to trying too hard. Some women know about mistake number 4 and so they take it to the other extreme and become too aloof and unavailable. Although they may be going for ‘hard to get’ and ‘high value’, if taken too far this approach can come off that you are uninterested, unavailable, unfriendly and even snobby. It can feel a bit cold to many men, and most men will give up pretty quickly with an ice maiden, except those who are just interested in the challenge of the chase, and you don’t want this type of man as he is likely to drop you once the chase is over and move on to another woman.
There needs to be a balance between being laid back/letting him lead and still being interested and open. If you can get this balance right you will have a great time with dating. The main thing to remember is just be yourself. Get really strong within yourself and get comfortable in your own skin. Dating can actually help you with this!
So go get out there and above all don’t take dating too personally. You never know what is going on for the other person. Treat it like fun ‘practice’ and it will work for you.